Puertas Adentro

Deambulando nos tropezamos

Me tocaste y te sentí

De ése día no volví

Te volviste mi droga

Mi razón se ahoga

Cuento los minutos para volver a sentir tu peso sobre el mío

Ese no fue el trato, se supone que seríamos amigos, -eso es lo que me digo

Te mentiría si te confieso arrepentimiento

Tu calor me resucitó, ahora vivo aunque no aparento

Me someto a una tortura de incontables monólogos

En todos me desfogo

Te siento puertas adentro, donde nadie nos mira

Te siento puertas adentro, donde nuestros cuerpos transpiran

Te siento puertas adentro, en la prohibición 

Te siento a toda hora, aunque sea mi imaginación

Sentir así es un suplicio peligroso 

Quererte; un placer morboso

Si pudiese viajar en el tiempo, nos ahorraría todo el dolor

No seríamos los mismos, pero yo te quiero así redentor

Siempre te querré, aunque vos no a mí

Me devolviste todo lo que perdí

Puertas adentro; dos almas rotas abrazadas en silencio

Te quiero puertas adentro, en nuestro santuario eterno.

 

 

Giving in

These years I’ve written about many things according to what I’ve experienced and grew with, but there’s still one thing I haven’t mentioned yet…

LOVE

I never really understood the “behind the scene” about it until now (well, sort of) , I mean we all see it, but none of us can really capture the essence, and perhaps we aren’t meant to do it, but every time that we become so involved in the process we lose ourselves and that’s because love is a game of two.

Set aside the “loving ourselves” part that we’ve all learnt in some point, the love I’m referring to is the one you can’t obviate because it’s so consuming even in our self centered dreams because there’s a part in us, humans, that need to be not only approved but also desired, wanted and needed. People in general tend to live their lives, not for the sake of everybody’s approval, but for that whisper of yearn for acceptance (even if we don’t realize it completely).

Almost quoting Socrates, I could say I know nothing about love, yet there’s many things I’ve come to affirm about my experience in love.

It is true that the first stage is the honeymoon, it’s all consuming,  it’s all desiring until problems start to arise like we realise we expected too much, we’d idealized our significant other and that person also sees us with different eyes and there’s deception not in them but in us, it’s in that moment insecurity strikes (do we really love that person? do we want to keep moving forward the relationship? does this person is the one I want to share my life with? does this person will love me like now?) we don’t really know what to expect anymore  because it’s not as exciting as the beginning is quite in fact, frustrating because we’ve reached uncertainty some couples survive it, some not. Is it worth the internal battle and the fights we have with our beloveds? ABSOLUTELY.

You’ll never know how you really are in love unless you find yourself in a relationship even if it doesn’t end well, and I’m not saying this as a self-discovery excuse or a reason to give a damn if someone else ends hurt, but, love truly is eye opening and that’s the most wonderful part, in real life you learn to accept certain things you can’t control because loving someone it’s all about giving up, not yourself but your ego (in a healthy way of course -all things in measure).

I’ve realized I love my boyfriend not only the day we became intimate, because that day I’ve acknowledged that before him no man really respected me and I’d allowed that,  but also the time I was at my lowest ( and even though things were not perfect between us) he treated me like a true friend, he listened and supported me even after all the fights and the things we said to each other, I’ve seen how a man, a person opened his chest and gave me his heart fully and blindly. Ever since that moment I don’t hesitate when I say love is the best thing I could ever feel, and trusting  someone else is so difficult, but it’s worth everything, letting someone help you is easier said than done…

But every time I look at his eyes and I see how selfless his heart is, even when I don’t need to be helped, I feel loved, because giving your heart to a person like that is brave, because love is not the faint hearted, I’m stronger because I love him and I could live my life without him, but I don’t want to and I’m willing to give in, when you love someone it doesn’t feel like abnegation because you’re not denying yourself  instead you are allowing yourself.

I was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never dared to admit you wanted-an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement.
Soon you start craving that intense attention, with a hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy, and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore– despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free).
Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have ‘that thing’ even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like you’re someone he’s never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can’t hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You’re a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes. So that’s it. You have now reached infatuation’s final destination– the complete and merciless devaluation of self.

-Extract from Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

It’s been over a year since I don’t post anything. The reason?
I just been living life… I’ve noticed that when people start to grow, they have less time for themselves, work, studies, life begins to consume us and priorities change, oneself change.

This entry won’t be just about life, its about love in our lives.

Last year not only I was lucky enough to get into MED school, but also I met my current beloved. Having to multitask and organize my life (or at least trying it so) is how I learnt that until those seasons everything I thought I knew about the true meaning of effort was theory, and even now (that I learnt on the hard way) – it costs me.

MED school taught me not only that IF YOU BUST YOU ASS STUDYING you pass, but also that even when life shows you a scale of greys, most things are black and white, which is something I also noticed in the love area; you love or you don’t love, you care or you don’t, and your best guide to truly know are the actions and the result of that. Of course there are many considerations beyond the obvious but when it comes to decisions, one’s need to be brave and trust on what they know and choose what they think its right , but like exams…life it’s not easy, it’s a multiple choice, you have a variety of answers, some are pretty obvious and some not, the difference is that there are no cheats in life, If you screw up you can’t do a makeup exam (in the best scenario), you’ve got to live with the elected choice.

I’m not the kind of person who regrets her choices, I do however acknowledge I’ve fucked up most than I’d like to admit, but in the end all the things I did brought me where I’m today, probably the thing I can’t forgive myself of is the people who paid for my irresponsibility, besides that I  try to live the best day at-a-day possible.

There’s one thing I won’t ever forget though… to put myself first, is the most basic favour you’ll do for yourself and others in life. You can’t give something you don’t have, you can’t love if you hate yourself, you can’t explain a lecture to someone if you haven’t studied it before, and specially…you can’t expect others to make the sacrifice you do for them, life it’s not always about reciprocity, quite in fact life it’s a bitch and in  everyone’s journey there will me more injustices than everything else. The suffering it’s always in the end, everyone starts a new year, a new hobby, a new job, a career, with that childish enthusiasm because it’s easier to start than to finish, the big picture is what gathered all of us at one point, but courage to suck up the pain is what we all lack to conclude, just as the mice that looks at the piece of cheese and runs eager to devour it and it ends up trapped in its own desire knowing they got what they wanted but at what cost?

Are we all victims of our own desires? I choose not.

Love is similar to the mice trap, who hasn’t fallen in love and after the few first glorious months of romance and passion has realized that their beloved has used to oneself ? Not only that the subject of your affection has gotten used to your dramas and faults, but also he or she doesn’t look at you like before, they see you as a habit, as the old toy and then you see yourself and you notice why such thing that felt like a sting a treason happened, you are a fucking mess! There’s no grooming, no makeup (because you don’t feel the need to look a doll they already know  how your farts smell) and you feel that the desire you both felt at the beginning, it’s fading and you dread the day that someone someday will replace you not only because you’ll cease to be loved but also because your insecurities begin to play with your mind and deep down you feel such a sadness that starts to colonize every cell and your mind, mood and love begin to sicken due to the constant whisper that tells you that you deserve to be left.

There’s not right or wrong answer for this dilemma, but if you think not only what is convenient for your life-I highly doubt that anyone would want to surrender and feel like shit all the time because let’s be real…no one wants to approach someone who’s not well, it’s like the leprosy effect for the people, as soon as you are not desirable (as a couple, as a friend, as a professional) everybody will avoid you like a plague.  The best way to be a good company for others is being a good company for yourself, and one way to achieve that is taking the bull by the horns and actually  being the boss of your own life, no one else will – or at least not for a long time. So as Shia LaBeouf said, JUST DO IT!

 

 

Revelation

I just had a dream, It was more a revelation than anything…

At first it was horrible, because I dreamt I was possessed (it wouldn’t be the first time I dream it though) and I was in a church’s door kneeling down , and I couldn’t move it’s like if I was glued and there were a lot of people and a priest or a bishop (I can’t distinguish now but I could in the dream) and that person was praying for me and I with just one look set him on fire and then mystically it turned to stone, obviously everybody ran away frightened, who wouldn’t? I woke up but I just wanted to go back and battle back that nasty force that had controlled me, used me…

That’s when I realised I had to pray, but not a Hail Mary, the Apostle’s Creed or an Our Father I wanted to pray something different, something taken straight from my heart, I wanted to pray with feeling but I was paralyzed, the words didn’t came out (as if there was something inside me impeding it) and in a sudden moment of relaxation I had it, it’s a sort of creed and it goes like this…

Creed from the heart
I believe in one and only almighty 

Full of qualities full of wisdom full of love

The very same that created us, the universe and much more

While the enemy sits and waits to watch us fall

Spreading separation, intolerance and war 

Filling our hearts with angst, greed and sorrow

We let in instead of doing the right thing 

The one and only wants no more than being recognized

Not thankful words, no promises but only respect amongst others

It has no  genre because it’s all goodness we can find all around us

And goodness can be a lot of things

Such as a sincere word, a pure thought or even the smallest gesture from the soul

It’s so humble and wants nothing more than you can be or give

The real misery is wanting more and not appreciating what you’ve got

Taking things by force, coveting what you’re not 

Spitting the greatest gift it was given just for you

Is an applause to the one that hates you and blinds you with hate

Making you his object to hurt the ones you love and should love

We are one unit, one world an specie of our own 

Full of potential, of care, of loyalty

We should be ashamed for destroying it

Have hope

Have dreams

Have love 

Don’t let yourself down, don’t give up, don’t let it destroy you

The truth will reveal itself

While you find your path just be kind to others; 

they’re as confused as you 

Frightened as you

But remember you’re not alone and never will

As long as you keep it like this

Achieving peace is only possible if you don’t distract yourself

Embrace the uniqueness the almighty has provided to you

And don’t let feelings you don’t own 

Overcome the good things you’ve done and the ones you could.

DISCLAIMER 

I don’t consider myself a religious person, nor I identify myself as someone who follows any specific doctrine (even though I don’t  deny that I have a strong influence of Christianity), but I respect and have high regards to any kind of belief that promotes all the good values that humanity seems to have lost.

So before you criticize me or comment something audaciously inaccurate please at least get to know me better 🙂

Mal de mer

Following certain path 

Seemed so right

All these decisions you truly didn’t made 

Obligations at first

Rebellion afterwards 

Resignated your heart was

Not knowing the call

Never really payed attention to the important side

Everyday and every night you wept your soul out

Devoured by disease

You became blind, deaf and mute 

The core rot 

Defectuous the idea of yourself

Preposterous the opinions of everyone else

In a kingdom where pleasures faded quickly

Cosmic mirages 

Limitless angst

Barren sex

Everything seemed a waste

Cowardice and the reaper played chess

Hesitation Shortened the  timetable 

Younger generations triumphed 

Older retired after a long trial

Still in between doubting 

Forever taking meds 

Wandering through life; what shall I do today?

Lover

Always the same situation 

It will be the last time she said

Perhaps nobody believed that

But her own bubble was pleasant enough

To make her believe

A parallel verity

She fell in love

Of nobody in particular 

The small details

The solitude 

The fact she celebrated her own accomplishments 

Because her love wasn’t there

Was in her head

The adventures 

The nights spent counting stars

The hugs, the heat

Passion nights lonely

Unusual affairs

Immense happiness

Theatre and cinema afternoons

Love letters, tender lines 

Unrequited fantasies

It was all in her head

She’d learnt to give love

There was not a soul to receive it

Endless stories

Infinite devotion

To the unknown love

She had created

For herself only

POLAR

Mine’s pureYours is obscure

Mine’s forbearing and humane

Yours is divine and judging 

Mine knows how to love

Yours establishes rules and curbs

The purgatory is the new gate

Indulgence is the path to gaiety

Sobriety is the latest form of

not revealing your true self 

Afraid of not being accepted

Censure your fuel 

Perfidy your pace

The real kingdom call is what you dread 

Your sand fiction blown away

Terminating us makes your soul gleam

Where the hard thing is standing up

Like Marie Antoinette you 

 sent us to eat poisonous cake

Empathy is the very absolution

you deny everything else and impose your truth

Violence your praise 

War our retort

No one will win, before it’s all destroyed

Virus and humans colonise 

The host is pissed off 

It’s only a matter of time until

everything thing returns to status quo.

High Octane

The drowning sensation is gone
at least something less to aim for

Life is for the greedy living people

whose’s only purpose is to climb over

nobody said it was easy

But everyone is self righteous and needy

on my shell of disgrace

despair commands the captain sunk

Leviathan rises and the lights switched off

where the powerful are not brute 

and heaven is a hazel ocean

where I don’t remember the pain

only the pleasant sensation I once felt

 

Remember how good did it felt

Those cold drops of blood

streaming down your warm corpse

 

Nevermore my hero said 

I wish I’d been at least the half

 of what I was supposed to be

Limitations seemed obscene back then

choosing was hard but burning was harder

happiness is the real drug

I have to pretend no more, skol!

where everything is at sixes and sevens

high octane in lows

quitting is for the brave least said 

blithe existence evermore

 

Answer

Reader, tell me…

Why won’t you let anybody love you? 

These Streets Will Never Look The Same

Loneliness